I’m not normally one for sharing a negative post. I’m really not an extrovert. When times are tough for me, I disappear and only reemerge once I’ve made sense of things on my own. However, since my last posts were a daily flow of advent activites… followed by a year of silence I feel its a significant step for me to break that.
I’m not planning to delve into too much of my worries over the past year but I will say that 2015 feels very much that it has been marked by anxiety and that the control that its had over over far too many of the 365 days and many sleepless nights has been really really tough. It has most certainly been the hardest time I have even been through and now that I am starting to have a fair few more normal days I am very keen to confine what has been, look forward to a clean new year and write the last year off as a learning experience. It could well be post natal. It could just be circumstancial. When I first saw a therapist for some advice she mapped me out in a big triangle and explained that the 5 or 6 things I was trying to cram into the top of my already ‘very full volcano’ meant I had nothing else to do but explode. The explainiations for the why are incredibly helpful, and I appreciated them. They don’t make the fears seem any less real though and I’m still not too sure what can ever make those go away.
One thing I have learned though, contrary to the billions of articles being shared around social media, is that talking doesn’t necessarily help. I’ve found the opposite to be true. I’ve learned to embrace my introvert ways and have found listening to be far more effective. I’m so thankful to each and every person who has shared their own worries with me, cried about the tough things they are facing or shared their anxious thoughts with me. There have been many… but hearing concerns that allow me time off my own has been really helpful… for me. We all have such different fears, challenges, struggles, insecurities and it has been really important for me to keep lifting my head out of my own little world and get a feel for what else is going on… not just fill the space with more of myself.
Praying has helped me have a point of focus. Perfect love casts out all fear… and I’ve been making that my goal.
So here marks the end of my silence and here I go onwards and upwards with a plan to blog more money muddles, home plans, shopping confessions from here on… and hoping 2016 is better.