Care free

Bit of a rubbish day yesterday – circumstance and worry were getting me down. Things spiral into ridiculous when you find yourself calculating the cost of petrol to the park and so opt for the one across the road just because its free even though its not where you want to go – and then feeling like every decision you make is basically decided by money and then what if we have to live on half of what we have now and is life just going to be miserable? I don’t want to say no every time to anything I’m invited to, or every time my kids want an ice cream or to go to an after school club. I also – and this is the worst – don’t want to wish every day of the month away to be closer to pay day and get that sense of relief that we’ve made it through. If I’m wishing my life away because money is that stressful then life has really become very pointless! Sometimes I wish I’d never started this blog and continued in financial mess but quite unaware and at least happy… and yet I’m kind of glad that its been an adventure in itself and that I’ve learned some stuff about how to be in more control of money… but I also know that control is a very dangerous friend and it likes to hold you as close as you hold it. I don’t want to be controlled by money or to become controlled by trying to control it. Truth is I am happiest when I just don’t care about it. Realistically I know that’s not an option I have right now – we’re moving more and more into a phase where we have to count every penny and work out ways of earning. How to do that and maintain not caring all that much about it is a mystery but we’ll find a way to get there.
I guess I feel like we’re wading through treacle for quite some way ahead… and I’m not sure what the end result will be. Hopefully carefree but with strong legs that have been built up along in the wading process. Maybe I will have become a naturally good money organiser that I just do it without having to think about it and I will feel like I never have to give it a thought?! Anyway…its my birthday on Saturday and though I’ve not decided what nice little thing I might do I also am not looking forward to it in the sense of hurrying it to get here because I am going to enjoy every day of the week for as long as possible. I’ve wasted 3 days ill in bed and 2 whole days worrying about the existence of the day because we need to pay for the meals it makes us need and the electricity it requires – neither of those types of day are any good whatsoever so I’m NEVER planning to spend them like that again.

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